Ambivalence My Plague

Again I fight an old won battle. I am ambivalent to everything I do.

Ambivalent not in it’s popular sense which adds a soupcon of lethargy and indolence to a mood boiled in ennui.

Ambivalence raw, powerful and as derived. I am of two wills, passionate each, whole and strong.

My ‘dayjob’ sufficeth not. It is dull, dreary drudgery which pays less than food service grunts at the hospital. It payeth not the bills, and doth kill all desire for creativity.

My day job’s gotta go.

So I want to move anywhere, anywhere, anywhere to get away from here! Free me, Oh God from the prison of the 24 month rental alternative and the chinrest approvals!

On the other hand, I have done a very good job establishing my reputation in this area. I am already a well known, sought after musician in my region.

Why would I want to give that up?

I am tied here by my love of several people and the heady effect of the respect of my colleagues.

I am forced away by the tide of my future.

So I would like to share Legion. I know Terpsichore and Melpomene know it well and I doubt not that you (dear reader…hehehe) may as well. It speaks to my condition and the conundrum faced my many of my age. How Oh Lord, are we to discern our path, if nothing is wrong with any of them.



Lord, hear my voice, my present voice I mean,

Not that which may be speaking an hour hence

(For I am Legion) in an opposite sense,

And not by show of hands decide between

The multiple factions which my state has seen

Or will see.  Condescend to the pretence

That what speaks now is I; in its defence

Dissolve my parliament and intervene.


Thou wilt not, though we asked it, quite recall

Free will once given.  Yet to this moment’s choice

Give unfair weight.  Hold me to this.  Oh strain

A point – use legal ficitons; for if all

My quarrelling selves must bear an equal voice,

Farewell, thou hast created me in vain.


C.S. Lewis


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